randomOctopus Pie

One of my personal favourite webcomics is a little number called Octopus Pie. If you don't already read it, I highly recommend you start.

I decided that I'd do a little culinary tribute to the strip by making an actual pie filled with actual cephalopods!

Here goes nothing.

To start with, the octopi I get at the regular white person's grocery store look a little like this:

A little chilly.

And I happen to know for a fact that once thawed, they're going to be rubbery, nearly impossible to chew, and wholly unsuitable for pie filling. To solve this problem, I decided to boil them in water with a little bit of vinegar...

Double double, toil and trouble.

...for three damn hours.

Once they get thawed, they look a little something like this:


And, as I had hoped, they cut up easily, with a texture similar to that of a stale marshmallow peep.

I'ma cutchoo.

As you might expect, of course, now they were almost entirely devoid of flavour, so I decided to make them tasty the only way I knew how... by frying them in butter.

Butter makes everything better.

...along with some minced onions, fish sauce, brown sugar and sea salt.

Now, octopus alone wouldn't be so great, so I've enlisted the help of some asparagus...

Asparagus: making your pee smell funny since 3104 BCE.

(Note how I leave the tips long, to keep the texture!)

...and some funky-looking tomatoes!


(This is one instance in which my habit of using dull steak knives to do everything in the kitchen paid off - we don't want the juice or the seeds, here, just the flesh.)

Finally, the B.A. Baracus to this flavour A-Team, the Internet's favourite culinary trochee...

Everything's better with bacon!

No, I'm not putting up a picture of frying bacon. Go do a damn Google image search.

The final mixture looks a little something like this:

Come 'n get it!

I've added black pepper, parsley, and basil... and, because I wanted to make sure it didn't turn into soup in a pie crust, I threw in an egg - not enough to make it a quiche, just enough to hold things together.

Now, I suck at making pie crust and I know it, so today I've got a special kitchen helper!


I get two pie crusts in this package, which is awesome because I've apparently done what I always do in the kitchen, and made twice as much food as I need.

They don't come with tops, or I'd do this on top...


That'd be Hanna and Eve, two of the main characters of the aforementioned webcomic. They're not very good likenesses, but I happen to think I did a pretty good job, considering I was doing it freehand in dough with the pointy end of a cocktail umbrella.

They don't look particularly happy, but that's probably because they know this is about to happen...

Sorry Hanna.

Sorry, Hanna.

Sorry Eve.

Sorry, Eve.

I'm still a little concerned that we may not have enough cohesion in the filling, though. What would stick it together?

Say cheese!


Okay, so the fully assembled product looks like this:

Two Grand Royales with cheese.

And, depending on who you ask, they're debatably either pies, quiches, or pizzas. I choose to believe they are still pies.

Here they go into the oven!

I will not make a Holocaust joke here.  The Holocaust was one of history's greatest tragedies, and I choose to show Hitler's victims a measure of respect.

And here's the finished product!


Here's what a slice looks like!


And how does it taste?

...Ugh, it tastes like raw egg, paste, and E Coli. Could it be that my time-tested strategy of throwing crap into the oven at a random temperature and taking it back out when it looks slightly golden brown has finally failed me?

But wait! All is not lost! Providence has granted me the gift of two pies! All I have to do is put'em back in the oven together, I can keep testing Hanna (or is it Eve?) until she tastes done, then I'll know Eve (or is it Hanna?) is ready!


Nearly half an hour later, the pies look more like this:

Muuuch better.

Muuuuch better. Let's get a closeup of that texture, shall we?

Too close!  Too close!

Hell yes.

And now how does it taste?

I'm getting a contact high, here.

It tastes like webcomics.

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